Arousal away from your partner – it’s a good thing!11 May 2015, Posted by Kate's Blog in
Oh yes it is!
The world is teaming with beauty. It’s deeply nourishing to tap into the many sensual delights that trigger arousal. A rich and full sex life at home is nurtured via a healthy level of engagement in the world on all fronts. Our experience and expression away from our partner informs our behaviour when we are together. Freedom, authenticity and fullness of expression with friends, family, colleagues and strangers supports the same within our intimate relationship.
As you check out the flight attendant, or flirt with the bank teller, wink at the wait staff, or grin at the person sweating beside you at the gym, you are in flow with the natural responses of attraction. It’s healthy and fun. It should make everyone involved feel happier about being alive. It should have you arrive home to your partner feeling full and open and free. That’s the kind of feeling that makes for good loving and great sex.
So often though, the opposite is true. People return to their relationships a bit closed or tired or frustrated because society so often tells us that as soon as we commit to one person our expression of attraction to everyone else must cease. A common belief is that this one person should now be solely responsible for stimulating and satisfying all of our sexual feelings. So then, either consciously or unconsciously, we can feel pressure to shut ourselves down in order to comply. Or in the opposite case, the pressure forces exaggerated rebellion. (Cheating). Either way, conflict between the brain and the body begins to stifle or disrupt behaviour and causes friction in the natural flow of life force and sexual energy in the body. We have to steal glances rather than allow ourselves to be completely captivated. Or perhaps we give ourselves permission when our partner isn’t around but really rein ourselves in when they are. Or maybe our partner is actually okay with it but friends or family are disapproving. At some level, conscious or unconscious, personal or societal, there is often an undercurrent of feeling that it’s not ok to be fully free with allowing arousal and attraction outside a committed relationship.
As we buy into this position we unconsciously condition our body as to how to run sexual energy. If we are free and liberal with it then that becomes the body’s operating baseline. If we are modest or constrained then that becomes our baseline. And the baseline determines the position we launch from when we do actually have the opportunity to engage sexually. Obviously it makes for a smoother run if our default position is to be permissive of arousal. It can take a bit to get into gear when we’ve been practicing denial and closure as a matter of course out in the world. Saving it all up for when you get home might look honourable from the outside but your body gets mixed messages in the process. The mind has been given authority to determine the appropriateness of what the body feels. The mind should never have dominion over feelings – it’s simply not qualified. The body is the boss of feelings and sensations. Allow it to roam freely and feel what it feels without judgement.
This is not an encouragement to gorge on porn, nor to flirt to give the impression you are available when you’re not, or to cheat on your partner. It’s a suggestion that you hold up your partner as the pinnacle of your sex life rather than the singular focus that demands exclusion of all others.
Allow yourself to keep your sexual energy alive by flirting with the world throughout the day. Open to the potential of being inspired by all sorts of experiences. Be free. Let arousal be alive. There’s no need to take action by actually engaging sexually with the person who’s inspired the feelings, just allow yourself to be expanded and invigorated by the experience. It’s ok to get turned on. If you’re single you might pursue something more intimate, but I’m speaking to the joyful and innocent simplicity of allowing feelings of arousal without taking action on them in any way at all. Just feeling how much we can be stimulated without any need to progress things into physical connection. See how many people can turn you on in the course of a day. Revel in containing this energy. Then notice what happens when you arrive home to your partner at the end of the day, full with all the different flavours of aroused energy you’ve expanded into.
Let your sexual freedom be built upon what you allow in, rather than what you feel compelled to act out. The energy you have harnessed will bring freshness and vigour into your intimate relationship. Your partner will be endlessly encouraging because it will be so clearly in their best interests. Your gain will be their gain.