The Gods of Sex Reward the Wild and Fearless

03 Dec 2015, Posted by Kate Henderson in Katie's Blog

SEx Gods...

The best sex is an alchemical magic born of deep love and wild desire. What’s much more common though is the experience of love and wildness being mutually exclusive in our sexual expression.

We play safe.

Either we’re wild when we’re not in love or we tone it down when we are.

There’s a Pandora’s box of rich chaos inside us. The mindless, wild, instinctive, animal part of us can hold the essence of our most true and unique self. It’s where the real juice lies – in our deep hungers, yearnings, impulses, shadows, fears and fierceness. This core is also the home of our sexual energy. Engaging with our wildness can liberate streams of energy informed by sexual fantasy, lustful desires and rich, passionate eroticism. There’s much potent fuel here for tapping an abundance of energy for joyous living, but the territory is often made murky by associated fear and shame and guilt. It can feel so dangerous to bring these aspects of ourselves to light, let alone to share them with another. Here lies what feels like the biggest threat to our relationships and yet it also contains precisely that which can bring us most into the glory of connection.

Aside from personal insecurities that inhibit our wild expression, Western living teaches us to largely keep those dark treasures and deeper stirrings under wraps.

So we find little ways to be wild in socially acceptable ways or in small bursts.

Fervent sporting spectatorship.

Drinking to excess.

An appetite for extreme porn.

Speeding, risk taking, recklessness.

One night stands and affairs.

Sex with strangers can be so appealing because it can feel much safer to expose the fullness of our erotic desires with someone who can’t easily reject us because we’re never going to see them again.

It feels SO much more precarious to let loose with the raw truth of our sexual nature with our dearest beloved – that person whose rejection would be most devastating of all.

And so there is a strategic separation between heart and sex that we unconsciously orchestrate to keep ourselves safe. This divide can split people we’re attracted to into two groups.

With those assigned to the heart group we will feel great affection and demonstrate deep care and consideration. We love these people and feel safe with them. It can feel like the love we have for a brother or sister or a dear friend.

By contrast, amidst the people we designate to the sex group we will feel high levels of attraction, desire and lustful arousal. There will be more charge with these people and there can be an element of excited danger in their proximity.

For truly meaningful connection and enduring depth of satisfaction in intimate relationships we must find a way to merge these two experiences with the one person.

Upon encountering significant partnership potential in another, we can absolutely have an intoxicating experience of the alchemy of both heart and sex. Especially in the early days. But if the magic begins to fall away with time it will often be as a result of deepening love causing us to unconsciously go into protection mode and dampen down our wildness. The closer we get to people, the more important their acceptance becomes and we’ll rein in the wildness of sex in order to secure the relationship.

Symptoms of the heart/sex divide in a relationship :

The sexual spark dies out.

Where we were once really turned on by our partner’s looks and physicality, we’re no longer so visually stimulated by them.

People outside the relationship become more and more attractive and alluring and capture much of our attention. We may or may not act on this attraction.

The solution:


Not so much an externalised action oriented, take charge, physical kind of courage, but a much more internal brave revealing of private, delicate, vulnerable places we usually keep safely guarded.

Emotional courage.

Consider revealing desires, longings, secrets, fantasies, fears and uncertainties. Trust in acting on spontaneous impulses for intimacy. If the idea of it makes the heart race or hands sweat a little then that’s the thing right there. Be courageous with that.

Dare to dance with the danger of rejection.

Be spontaneous and surprise yourself.

Sometimes I bite my clients.

We’ll be in a nice embrace where the energetic connection is really alive between us and I just feel the urge to bring more of a brazen feistiness. I love the way it can activate a surge of power. It really ramps the energy up in a beautiful way. As I bring it, it makes it ok for them to bring it too.

They walk out the door less bound by the rules we unconsciously buy into around correct behaviour.

It feels risqué to coach people by biting them and I love it. It thrills me to surprise myself with my daring.

Alison Armstrong speaks beautifully to the fears we have that stop us from revealing ourselves fully because ‘What if they are the one!?’ If they are the one then they will actually embrace and love us all the more for our vulnerable revealing. If they’re not the one they’ll move on. That’s an excellent result. That’s not rejection, that’s a valuable clearing out of someone who’s never going to be on board with our deepest magnificence. That’s worth leaning into for sure. Being really real acts as a litmus test for who should genuinely qualify as part of our inner circle. (This can be equally applied to friends as it can to lovers).

Wildness activates a special kind of magic.

The universe so loves to reward the brazen spirit.