Holding space, Seducing women

19 Jun 2014, Posted by Kate Henderson in Katie's Blog

Seducing womenI had sex with a guy on the weekend who I don’t feel inclined to sleep with ever again.

He failed in the art of holding space and retreating with openness. He wasn’t prepared to keep his heart open to maintain an energetic connection beyond physical contact.

The energetic potential for people to turn each other on without physical touch is so incredibly vast. I have been aroused by a lover over 4,000kms away. No email, no text, photos or phone call, just purely via his open hearted thoughts of sexual connection with me. Quite unconsciously my body responded to him thinking about me. It brought forward a surge of sexual arousal in me while I was driving alone. Probably lasted about 20minutes I’d say. Just came up out of nowhere. I knew it came from him. It happened twice in that first day that I discovered I was able to be turned on that way. Caught him by surprise too when I shared what had happened over a phone call later that day. Once before we’d had phone sex and I didn’t even touch myself but the energetic connection was such that I was so connected and tuned in that I felt his orgasm and it brought forth a simultaneous one in me. Quite amazing. It even made me burst into tears. That can happen sometimes after a particularly deep orgasm.

In keeping with that sensitivity of feeling a man’s attention from a distance, I can also feel his absence. I can feel when he’s not thinking about me at times when he should. That came as a rude reminder last weekend. I fell into bed with a guy I’d recently met and we had quite a nice sexual exploration for about 3 hours one afternoon. It was good. He was open to exploring the potential of energetic arousal for a long time before we took off our clothes. That’s always important to me – that there’s opportunity to establish a level of energetic engagement before resorting to more usual skin contact stimulation. So anyway, he demonstrated a reasonable capacity to be energetically present so long as we were sexually connected, but as soon as he climaxed he completely retracted himself energetically. He was still physically present with me but not energetically at all. I wanted to feel held by some constancy in him but he’d gone. I felt I’d been cast adrift.

In dropping deeply into a sexual connection it’s always feels best to return to the surface slowly. Together. There are risks of ascending too quickly from deep water. Similarly, there are consequences from ascending too quickly from the depths of sexual union. Too rapid a retreat and one or both parties can be left feeling lost, scattered and vulnerably exposed. Fragile places uncovered and then abandoned without due consideration certainly doesn’t make for an open invitation to return.

Let me speak to what it looks like when there’s a smooth resurfacing experience. Essentially it entails a slow disconnection and return to being grounded in individual bodies. Lying for at least 5 minutes after lovemaking has finished with the man still inside the woman can be a beautiful way to let the energy settle. It allows our bodies to continue the shared experience of recalibrating all that has shifted inside as a result of our union. Maybe five minutes turns into twenty. Maybe it turns into falling asleep together that way. Perhaps the love making doesn’t finish with the man inside the woman so then the wind down could easily be lying in each other’s arms. Or talking about the experience.  Or getting up to do some shared activity. Whatever it is, the space is created for a slow separation of individual energies that have been deeply entwined during love making. I wonder if the time taken to separate ourselves from a sexual connection should be equal to the time taken to get into it. I think I like that. It makes sense that the longer it takes to reach the depths on intimacy with someone, the deeper we’ll go, and the longer we should take to honour that in emerging on the other side.

I’d liken this approach to fasting principles. Essentially, if you fast on juices for a week then it’s a good idea to take another week to slowly reintroduce solid foods back into the diet. The effectiveness of the fast can be considerably compromised if the regular diet is resumed immediately. There will have been all sorts of internal rearranging that’s gone on at a cellular level. As the body opens up energetically with the metabolic spaciousness of a cleaner diet, it becomes more refined in it’s functioning and preferences. It will be more sensitive. This physical awakening and enlivening process will be served well by listening closely for subtle changes. It’s not unusual however, to go on a bit of a binge after breaking the fast. I know I’ve done it. Perhaps not on the first day but I might have had chocolate on the second or third day perhaps. It’s such a shock to the body. It’s just been ushered into this lovely safe place of refined functioning and then it’s smacked with the challenge of food that is an affront to the new sensitivity.  It creates a retraction. The dishonouring of new sensitivities can cause the body to regress to becoming reactive to foods that it previously tolerated. A glass of milk after a fast for example can bring on an asthma attack. As we coax the body to express itself more freely, we need to offer ongoing support and encouragement that builds faith to sustain an ongoing process.

Similarly, the body (plus the heart and soul) needs to feel save to remain open to new sensitivities that can arise out of an intimate experience of connection. Gentleness and grounded connection help to anchor any new pieces that have emerged within us. A safe space to allow these to settle is a very precious thing. Feeling held, either physically or energetically, builds trust and supports an open invitation for future reconnection. Someone who is abandoned during this time of finding their way back to the surface will rarely dive as deep again with the same partner. Wariness can creep in and a barrier goes up. The body instinctively closes down in self protection. It can be subtle or it can be marked.

These abandoning can happen in seemingly innocent ways. Usually they are signs of fearing intimacy. Falling asleep immediately after climaxing for example (it’s physiological you’ll say, but I propose it’s basically driven by unconscious fear to deepening intimacy and can change via cultivating a courageous heart). Alternatively, there’s answering a telephone, getting immediately distracted by some pressing issue, feeling compelled to shower or to tidy up or do some exercise, shifting gears into an intellectual discussion and of course there’s plain old getting dressed and walking out.

I had a lover suddenly remember his yoga practice after we’d had sex. He explained it away saying that his body was tight from being in bed. I dearly wanted him to surrender further to the intimate space we’d opened. To holding and being held. And letting the gentleness of the space seep in and soothe our tender hearts. Instead he retreated to salute the sun at 3am.

There will be times when speedy separation is unavoidable. We have sex and the day necessitates that we go our separate ways. The key is to maintain some level of energetic presence with each other. Keep hearts and bodies open to the energy that was created in union. Move mindfully with it rather than casting it aside. Hold the energy with you and you’ll go a long way towards holding your partner with you. Let the satisfaction inform the way your feet meet the ground. Let the openness in your heart select the words you speak to others. Let the sweet recollections linger in your body as a way of keeping the energetic web of sexual connection alive with your partner. Ascend slowly. Be open to stirrings that emerge at a distance from each other via this drawing out of the energetic connection. Practice the slow retreat and holding space energetically and you’ll likely find the door still left ajar (if not wide open) upon your return.