Men Who Know What They’re Doing

31 Aug 2017, Posted by Kate Henderson in Katie's Blog

Men often fall into the trap of rushing sex too quickly towards penetr850595aation. They are often blamed for missing the opportunity to draw a woman out via foreplay that truly awakens her body to its true capacity.

But these gender roles are certainly not fixed. I’m seeing more and more men who are completely confounded by women who are making the moves to get sex underway well before the men are on the same page. These men feel like there’s something wrong with them. They tend to be wonderfully sensitive, connected to their emotions and have a deep appreciation of sensuality. They revel in the opportunity to deepen the intimacy of a connection via tactile exploration and are naturally in tune with being in the moment and savouring their experience. And then they come up against women who have been programmed for the fast track to climax. These women will lead the exchange and disrupt the man’s natural flow, making him feel he’s doing it all wrong. Often it can lead to erectile problems which further cement the idea that there’s something wrong with the man.

But there’s really nothing wrong with him. The problem is with the urgency. The woman might have learned it from the men she was with beforehand. Or the culture of pornography. Maybe she was abused and shuns real intimacy as a result. Perhaps she’s afraid or simply unfamiliar with opening deeply to a meaningful connection. However it came about, she’s been conditioned to disconnect from herself and to push instead of flow.

I’ve been there myself. Many a time. Diverted from the truth of what my body was genuinely ready and open for. Sometimes it was internally driven by my own impatience, and sometimes I was led there by the man’s agenda. It’s so easy to get out of sync and move too fast.

It takes great courage to do nothing in sex. To stop, to relax and allow. And wait for truly authentic connection to awaken and weave its energy through the body. Generally there’s a strong inclination to do more rather than less and to go faster rather than slow. But less and slow is often what’s required for the real magic. The mind can get a bit edgy when not much is happening though. The impulse is usually to drive the activity with more intensity in order to feel more. But conversely, it’s via feeling more that we can ultimately usher in the best activity.

Is that confusing? It can be counterintuitive.

Those who prize the slow build are fully appreciative of the less is more approach. They feel their way forward rather than think it. They allow the sensation of bodily connection to evolve the opening into deeper intimacy. They move as if blindfolded with all their senses enlivened to capture every guiding nuance. And the very best lovers can hold true to that presence of flow and settle a speedy partner into the subtlety of that deeper exploration.

Good sex comes from connection. But that’s connection on all levels: body, heart, mind and soul. Overriding one of those elements will force overcompensation in another. A hasty push to drive things forward physically is usually built upon a deficiency of heart connection. The greater the deficiency in emotional presence, the more striving there will be to make up the deficit in physical activity. A lot of position changes, high friction thrusting, athletic performance etc. The less we allow ourselves to open to the fullness of feelings in a sexual exchange, the more intensity we will require in physical stimulation to stir sensation. Like roughness, pounding penetration and risky situations. Conversely, the more the heart is engaged, the more arousal will be stirred organically from slow, steady and much more subtle interaction.

The body can actually turn on in an instant. But the foundations of connection need to be established for that to occur. The heart is our gatekeeper and its pace must be honoured in order for it to open and become activated in the exchange.

Shared stillness can invite deep openings:

Lying in a partner’s arms.

Periodically stopping all movement during penetration.

Allowing a hard on to go soft for a while and trusting that it will return.

Relaxing as tearfulness emerges.

Talking about feelings, desires and vulnerabilities as they arise.


Proper long, slow, deep breaths.

Doing nothing else until you’re breathing as one.

These kinds of breaks in the flow of sex can often be rejected or resisted because they appear to take us away from orgasmic intensity. But these relaxing ingredients can be the key to ushering in the most intoxicating, full-bodied rapture.

Going fast might excite on the surface but the orgasmic high will be fleeting and insubstantial. Going slow brings depth of feeling and a full and rewarding satisfaction that can reverberate through the body for days afterwards. Don’t be afraid to slow down a speedy partner. Don’t let them trick you into thinking they know what they’re doing.