Men Who Know What They’re Doing31 Aug 2017, Posted by Aria's Blog in
Men often fall into the trap of rushing sex too quickly towards penetration. They are often blamed for missing the opportunity to draw a woman out via foreplay that truly awakens her body to its potential.
But these gender roles are certainly not fixed. I’m seeing more and more men who are completely confounded by women who are making the moves to get sex underway well before the men are on the same page. These men feel like there’s something wrong with them. They tend to be wonderfully sensitive, connected to their emotions and have a deep appreciation of sensuality. They revel in the opportunity to deepen the intimacy of a connection via tactile exploration and are naturally in tune with being in the moment and savouring their experience. And then they come up against women who have been programmed for the fast track to climax. These women will lead the exchange and disrupt the man’s natural flow, making him feel he’s doing it all wrong. Often it can lead to erectile problems which further cements the idea that there’s something wrong with the man.
But there’s really nothing wrong with the man. The problem is with the urgency in the woman. She might have learned it from the men she was with beforehand or the culture of pornography. Maybe she was abused and shuns real intimacy as a result, or it might just be that she’s afraid or unfamiliar with opening deeply to an effortless connection. However it came about, she’s been conditioned to disconnect from herself and to push instead of flow.
I’ve been there myself. Many a time. Diverted from the truth of what my body was genuinely ready and open for. Sometimes it was internally driven by my own impatience and sometimes I was led there by the man’s agenda. It’s so easy for all of us to get out of sync and move too fast.
It takes great courage to do nothing in sex. To stop, to relax and allow. And wait for truly authentic connection to take shape and weave its energy through the body. Generally there’s a strong inclination to do more rather than less and to go faster rather than slow. But less and slow is often what’s required for the real magic. The mind can get a bit edgy when not much is happening though. It thinks it needs to drive the activity in order to feel more. But in fact it’s the act of feeling more that ultimately ushers in the best activity.
Is that confusing? It can be counterintuitive.
Those who prize the slow build are fully appreciative of the less is more approach. They feel their way forward rather than think it. They allow the sensation of bodily connection to evolve the opening into deeper intimacy. They move as if blindfolded with all their senses enlivened to capture every guiding nuance. And the very best lovers can hold true to that presence of flow and settle a speedy partner down into the subtlety of that exploration.
Good sex comes from connection. But that’s connection on all levels: body, heart and mind. Overriding one of those elements will force overcompensation in another. A hasty push to drive things forward physically is usually built upon a deficiency of heart connection. The greater that deficiency of meaningful emotional presence, the more striving there will be to make up the deficit in physical action. A lot of position changes, high friction thrusting, athletic performance etc. The less we allow ourselves to open to the fullness of feelings in a sexual exchange, the more intensity we will require in physical stimulation in order to stir sensation. Roughness, pounding penetration, risky situations. Conversely, the more the heart is engaged, the more readily arousal will occur from the slow and steady of minimal stimulation.
The body can actually turn on in an instant. But the foundations of connection need to be established for that to occur. The hearts of both men and women need the generosity of time and space for that to genuinely settle in and invite meaningful intimacy with a sexual partner. The heart is our gatekeeper. Its pace must be honoured in order for it to open and become activated in the exchange.
Again, stillness can often be what’s required in order for that response:
Lying in a partner’s arms.
Periodically stopping all movement during penetration.
Allowing a hard on to go soft for a while and trusting that it will return.
Relaxing as tearfulness emerges.
Talking about feelings, desires and vulnerabilities as they arise.
Proper long, slow, deep breaths.
Doing nothing else until you’re breathing as one.
These kinds of breaks in the flow of sex can often be rejected or resisted because they appear to take us away from orgasmic intensity. But of course they are exactly the ingredients required to ensure real orgasmic depth. Feel how they allow the body to let go and relax further into a deeper richness and connection.
Going fast might excite on the surface but the orgasmic high will be fleeting and insubstantial. Going slow brings depth of feeling and a full and rewarding satisfaction that can reverberate through the body for days afterwards. Don’t be afraid to slow down a speedy partner. Don’t let them trick you into thinking they know what they’re doing.