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Retrieving Men From the Porn Vampire

15 May 2014, Posted by Aria Austin in Aria's Blog
blindfold 1

Any time I’ve had sex with a porn conditioned man it hasn’t been particularly rewarding.blindfold 1

They’re trained to look but not to feel. I’ve found that they miss opportunities to draw out delicate sensations because of their speedy approach. They are much more intent on hasty undressing rather than intuitive timing. They move around through a lot of positions rather than being guided by the flow of sexual energy. They push to maintain a high tempo throughout, rather than being carried into depth and intimacy by a more natural ebb and flow.  They don’t tend to be well practiced at connecting through eye contact, responding to different moods or using revealing communication. All pretty obvious of course.

 Voyeurism encourages the search for a sexual spark outside of ourselves rather than to ignite it from within. It tends toward feeding a driving hunger that it will never really satisfy in an enduring way because it this external orientation. I think too much porn can suck the sexual life blood out of people. We lose our potential for depth as it drains us of our sexual soul.

The other day I received the following question from a 28 year old client in an email:

I saw a woman sitting on a seat today. She had a nice neckline and great boobs. Well i wanted to put my hand down her top really bad, as she had no bra. But i just walked by. Do girls mind getting groped if no-one is looking?

To me this perfectly reflects some of the alarming distortion that the 2D porn experience can impose. It programs the viewer to engage from within such narrow parameters that are so disabling when encountering real flesh and blood situations in life. Porn teaches that visuals and variety are the fast food of sexual satisfaction. It doesn’t teach us to feel for normal real life cues that will tell us if or when someone is open to us or closed. It doesn’t offer opportunities to refine our sensitivities for how to reach beneath the surface and really connect. Porn fans aren’t the only casualties of course.

My tantric explorations have refined my sensitivity so that my body operates as a barometer for the level of presence a man brings. My body doesn’t respond anymore to a man who’s not in touch with feeling into the experience. And by ‘feeling’ I mean feeling into himself, into me and into our connection, being attuned to the sensations, energy and emotions, rather than just ‘touching’.  If there’s nobody home energetically he can use any kind of wondrous technique but none of it will really hit the spot. My body will show up a faker every time. Sometimes this is really annoying because it means I can’t just roll with whatever a man brings. On the other hand it’s forcing me to be very discerning so that I only connect with the real deal. And by that I mean the men who are grounded in the knowing that sexual energy is best cultivated from within us, not fed from outside.

I had sex with a male stripper once. It was like the porn experience. He looked amazing. I was certainly captured by his visual appeal. But he felt empty when I came into contact with him. Kind of plastic. Same as a beautiful Jamaican body builder I slept with. All solid and guarded, with so much energy oriented to the surface and being on show. Both of them were quite mechanical and robotic in their sexual expression. Very much performance orientated. Their energy and awareness was concentrated into the solid exterior of their muscles. There was no easy way to feel past their armouring and discover their heart. There was certainly no chance of ‘making love’, it was definitely ‘having sex’. And there’s just not a lot of scope for sensual adventure and deep connected satisfaction with a body in lock down. Porn doesn’t necessarily consolidate the muscular defense in quite the same way as body building but it certainly tends to cultivate a similar closure to what lies deeper within.

Healthy muscles should actually be pretty soft when they’re not in use. Animals demonstrate this well. Try pressing in on the leg of a cat or a dog and you’ll usually find that you can get most of the way down through the muscle, quite close to the bone. Not so easy to do on your average stripper/ body builder. There is often a tendency to prop up the exterior with physical strength and power when confidence is lacking on the inside. It logically follows that these people won’t be so inclined to reveal the deeper sensitivities of their heart and make themselves vulnerably transparent during sex. Ideally though, bodies are built to express the deeper self rather than to hide it. This is not to say that all men who put time and energy into developing a strong and impressive physique do it to cover up insecurities or end up developing an impenetrable exterior. They might have combined their strength training with some kind of quietening/centring practice like yoga. Or tantra. Or they’ve been brought up knowing that it’s okay to feel and express their emotions. As they’ve built the outside they’ve also listened and paid attention to their insides, their hearts. They’ve kept their bodies open as a gateway into themselves rather than using it to wall themselves off. The availability of these men brings so much more presence to fuel deep and passionate sex. They offer a richness of opportunity in sexual connection in many ways:  through being aware of their breathing, being willing to communicate feelings that arise in the moment, responding to the undulations of energy that arises out of connection, knowing the deepening and erotic power of eye contact, indulging in the intimacy of stillness, not freezing if there are tears when the woman climaxes, and trusting that if they lose their hard on it will return again when the energy shifts.

The real potency of sex lies in our potential to feel deeply into ourselves and to be willing to be revealing in the fullness of all that that brings – through making sounds as we feel pleasure, speaking as we desire things, volunteering our unguarded emotions and longings and generally surrendering ourselves to the life in our bodies rather than the ideas in our head.

Blindfoldsme

I think blindfolds can go a long way towards rewiring the massive disconnect that many people are programmed with via porn (and even modern life). I see a blindfold experience as having the potential to return the soul to sex through awakening refined sensitivities in the body. A blindfold immediately takes out the primary crutch of relying on visuals to drive sexual energy. Although it can be initially disorienting, it forces other senses to come to the fore. It creates the space for the whole body to become involved, not just hands, eyes and genitals. It allows for the emergence of subtle perceptions that deepen as the awareness is contained inside the bodily experience. As the usual visual escape route is denied, it opens us to the primary awareness of ourselves being at the centre of our sexual experience. And although there can be a confounding frustration and initial blockage and numbness with this disorientation, given time and willingness, this refocusing can herald the return of all sorts of lost or unrealised pleasures. The body can awaken with a new variety of stimuli: the sensation of a breeze on the naked body, fingertips delicately caressing the neck and hot breath in the ear, the smell of clean skin, the soaking warmth of sunshine, the seductive scratch of fingernails, a kiss that goes on and on and on, the pulling of hair, the intimacy of a hand massage or the shiver of a teasing whisper. All these delicate pleasures can be wondrous remedies for a body long starved of variety in sensation. They can help return us to our multidimensional selves. In this kind of experience there is much more space for deeper feelings to find their way to the surface. Little pieces of ourselves that we’ve tucked away can break free of the lock down and find their way out. Tears can emerge as if out of nowhere for example. Laughter can spring forth. Deeper stirrings of longing in the heart can drift into our awareness.

As neglected senses come back on line it can be as if we come back to life after living a kind of flat screen existence. Wine might taste better for example, or you might discover new flavours in food, music may stir emotions more readily, you might notice a preference for different fabric against your skin, you might walk more slowly to take in the fullness of the view rather than being solely focused on reaching your destination. Life springs forth in wonderful ways through awakened senses.

This is some of the beauty that can be resurrected in us by turning away from a tunnel visioned sexual experience. Try it for a month perhaps. Instead of cultivating orgasms via watching porn, embrace the blindfold practice. Masturbate blindfolded if you’re on your own or ask a partner to play with pleasuring you. Either way, use the blindfold to disengage as much as possible from visual stimuli. When you catch yourself creating scenes for viewing in your mind take your attention instead to what you can feel in or on your body, to your breathing, to what you can hear or even smell. Let your awareness and the touch encompass your whole body, not just your genitals. Embrace softness and slowness and even stillness. Stop and start. When you find yourself racing or striving to climax then stop and reset with a long deep breath. Imagine extending yourself energetically into the corners of the room to practice being expansive rather than intensified. Draw the experience out. Be an explorer, awakening yourself to more in life via your openness to scope in your sexual sensitivities. Let many, many things begin to arouse you in seemingly gentle ways and trust that these will build into delicious waves of deeper pleasure over time. With simple practices you can begin to unearth the precious treasures of your sexual soul.