I Surrender31 Jan 2017, Posted by Katie's Blog in
I just had my heart freshly smashed on the rocks of my own staunch position the other day. I was so clever and insightful about someone else’s closure to my love and couldn’t appreciate all the ways I’d been playing at exactly the same game.
I’m writing this as an exercise to humble myself. To own anything that I couldn’t see at the time was equally shared by me.
It really hurts to have my ego torn down like this.
So….. a beautiful, flawed, perfect man left me the other morning without saying goodbye because I’d been just as rigid and demanding and closed hearted as I’d accused him of being.
So I like to think I’m kind of wise and self aware and really good at what I do because I’m gifted with keen insight into what’s going on for others. I rarely get that stuff wrong. And I really like that. My ego is very happy when I’m right. And because that feels like one of my core strengths then I really like for other people to recognise that as well. So much so that it just contributed to tearing apart a sweet connection.
And I’m naturally courageous and honest and direct in my dealings with people so that can make me ruthlessly demanding of the same integrity in others. So much so that this man doesn’t want to talk to me now.
I’m really good at acknowledging when I get things wrong and at apologising right away. So I measure other people against that same benchmark and end up being scathing of others failing to behave accordingly in response to me. So much so that I just drove a man away because of it.
I accused him of withholding his love. I wanted it shared in all the ways I’m able to bring it. I expected it to look a certain way.
It pains me to confess that. It’s such a rookie relationship mistake.
I felt like he could have (should have!) given more than he did but I didn’t really stop to fully appreciate how much he’d already been willing to share. They were things that would have been easy enough for me to deliver so I discounted them. Found him lacking instead of feeling into the places where I could have surrendered more to what he wanted from me.
Out of the head and into the heart is the key of course. The magic key that can be so elusive in the heat of the moment.
Surrender has been my taskmaster through this experience.
I’m pretty trusting so I can give a lot right up front. And I can dive deep pretty quickly to let go. So I thought I was pretty good at it.
But these last days have highlighted how much emphasis I put on men having to qualify for my surrender. They have to prove themselves worthy in the first place and then they have to maintain a pretty consistent standard to secure my ongoing receptivity to their lead.
On the one hand there’s a healthy aspect to that of course. It could be careless to open that deeply to just anyone. But on the other hand it’s a pretty controlled way to surrender. It’s cherry picking really – only surrendering when the conditions are just right.
It’s easier to surrender when I understand what a man’s intentions are, when I appreciate why he’s doing what he’s doing. When my mind can understand it then I’m on board.
I reckon I’d give myself a rating of about 65% for that kind of surrender. Now that I look at it that way it seems even more unreasonable that I expect such impeccably high standards from the man if I’m only willing to give over to him that much of the time. Shit!
So if I’m going to aim to get up above 90%, I’d say these are the new requirements:
- Surrender into the things that make no rational sense.
- Surrender especially into the things that I think/feel should be done differently.
- Surrender when he’s made me angry or disappointed me.
- Surrender when I really don’t want to.
What a head fuck.
But I can feel a certain thrill as I identify exactly those opportunities to embrace that I’ve so strongly resisted in the past.
I can think of times where a man did seemingly get something wrong in the way he chose to lead me but as a result of me staying with it it turned into something extraordinary. We went much deeper than we likely would have if I’d interrupted and attempted to change our course.
I’ve got a tantric girlfriend who works as a prostitute. She surrenders herself to complete strangers who she has minimal opportunity to qualify. (Like all prostitutes do really!). Anyway, she’s my surrender superhero. She’d be much closer to the 100% score. I only lasted a few months just doing erotic massage with strangers and then I quit because I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t accept the men who were disconnected, the men who were needy and leering and non-communicative and who touched me in all the wrong ways. I disqualified them from being worthy of my surrender instead of appreciating them as offering me an opportunity to dismantle my own barriers to unconditional love.
I suddenly feel called to throw myself right back into that erotic work!
This is turning into a journal entry.
Wow, I’ve really just struck upon that revelation as this has poured forth. I can really see how it’s the perfect training ground to open me so much more deeply to letting go.
What would that look like? What changes would I have to cultivate to have a completely surrendered experience with ALL the erotic massage clients, not just the ones who are on the same page as me?
- I am intoxicated with the fullness of unconditional love overflowing from body and out of my heart.
- My attention is naturally drawn to where and how each man is open to receiving me rather than where he is closed down (or hurt or afraid or angry or unreachable).
- I generously give each man exactly what he wants instead of what I think he needs.
Well okay then,
I guess this is to be continued ……….
So nice to surrender to the excruciating pain of having my failure at love exposed so blatantly and now strike upon this old/new work path to transform it. Yay for surrendering to my own suffering!