The Allure of Sexual ‘Technique’28 Mar 2014, Posted by Kate's Blog in
I often get inquiries from men who are desperate to learn ‘technique’. They want to know the sure fire tricks to pleasuring women. My response is always to impress upon them the importance of cultivating presence. Presence is far and away the best vehicle for developing technique. A practiced method can get some success but inevitably it will fade if presence is lacking.
What exactly do I mean by presence? To fully and completely inhabit one’s own body. To be in touch with the feelings, sensations and emotions alive and moving within. To also simultaneously extend one’s awareness into the surroundings, to be alert to accompanying energies in others and the environment. It is heightened through purity of awareness to what is going on in this very moment. There is nothing imagined or anticipated in the future and as little as possible seeping in from the past to blur the clarity of things exactly as they are in the now. This presence resides more in the body than the mind. It allows us to be more intuitive and instinctive. There is a stillness about it where we are receptive to all that is, rather than colouring an experience with false impressions.
We lose presence when our mind is distracted or our head gets ahead of the game. When a man is embracing me for example, and he fast-forwards into imagining holding me naked, he loses presence. I can feel it straight away because the energetic connection between us falls away. Although our bodies are still touching, we are suddenly disconnected energetically. The charge that was there between us disappears as his mind wanders into an imagined future possibility. It’s not until he comes back to feeling into exactly what is available to him in the present moment that he’s able to really reach me again and reactivate the energetic connection. And it’s only through the aliveness of this energetic connection that we really have a good chance at moving into a more erotic future that he might be eager for. Purity and depth of presence is the very best way to empower the most richly rewarding and satisfying future.
Traditional technique can impose on presence and destroy the inherent magic of exploration. Both the exploration of another and the exploration of ourselves. Let’s say that a man gets a couple of good tips on how to go down on a woman and he gets some good responses. It’s natural that this particular technique will become a solid part of his repertoire and this will serve him (and his lovers) well to a degree. But now let’s imagine instead that he devotes himself to the exploration of presence. With this orientation he is finely attuned to what he feels in himself and the energy he connects to in his lover. He feels his way to her, over her, around her, into her. He becomes attuned to her timing, to where she’s open and where she’s still closed, to the sort of touch her body reacts to in that moment. He feels into the response he gets from her and also to the way it makes him feel. He hands over to the wisdom of his body rather than his mind. He trusts that the touch that feels really pleasurable to him can likely be the very same touch that works for her. As long as there is an open hearted connection, what brings pleasure to one will feed into a loop to bring pleasure to the other. The inclinations in our bodily responses can become an impeccable guide, a barometer. If you encounter unusual delight with your tongue over her pubic bone for example, then trust that that is the perfect technique for this woman. Stay there for as long as the energy holds you. Maybe that spot will be alive for that woman in every encounter. Maybe never again. Maybe it will work for other women also. But maybe none. Irrespective, you just uncovered the perfect technique for that woman at that time. There was pleasure and connection and beauty in the exploration of something that could not have been taught to you by another. It took presence to self, to the other person and to the energy that was brought about by the connection between the two of you at that very moment in time. That’s the most specialised technique you can get. That’s sexual mastery in the making.
Strong and enduring sexual engagement is built upon the union of energy between two people, not by a standard technique applied time and again as a routine. Trust that this energy can direct and fuel meaningful connection far better than any orchestration by the mind. Technique that is driven by an intuitive responsiveness to this energy in the body, moment by moment, will be enduring over time. It makes it almost impossible for sex between two people to ever go stale and it means you will be endowed with the potential to delight every lover with different techniques.