Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down12 Jun 2015, Posted by Kate's Blog in
I’ve recently been making plans to tie someone up.
I’m so looking forward to it.
Most of us have a pretty well practiced formula that determines our pleasure. We touch or get touched in a certain way, have favourite and reliable sexual positions and maybe we prefer a certain type of physique for example. Staying within these known parameters will often keep our experience of pleasure locked in at the same level.
Left to our own devices we often tend to stay within the confines of what’s familiar because we feel confident there. Sometimes it takes significant intervention to help motivate a reach for something new.
A catastrophe can offer us that opportunity. If we ignore certain things in life for too long then very often we’ll be faced with the perfect crisis that forces us into the change we’ve been avoiding.
Being tied up can force a little crisis in the body. Familiar opportunities for touch are denied and yet the desire for sensation and connection runs just as strong so we’re forced to extend ourselves in some new way to make up for what’s been constrained. Restriction in one area can prompt opening in others. As we hit upon new avenues for stimulation and satisfaction, our versatility expands us. As our repertoire grows, so the ceiling on pleasure gets raised.
At the time though it always seems counter-intuitive at the beginning– being denied contact in a sexual/sensual exchange. When we feel aroused and connected to someone its natural to reach for them. Touch usually helps enhance what we’re feeling. But paradoxically, that reach for more physical contact can actually inhibit us from feeling as much as we might.
Strange but true.
It’s got a lot to do with our capacity to receive. The more we are open, the less we tend to have rules or expectations for how things should happen. Receptivity and openness lend themselves to curiosity and exploration. Where there’s space to receive there’s naturally interest to investigate new ways to take things in.
If our capacity to receive is high then we can absorb a lot of touch in many different ways. We can also experience great satisfaction in it without feeling compelled to give back immediately. It becomes as simple as breathing. We just let it come at us. We drink it in and in and in. The spaciousness inside lends itself to being filled up. There aren’t many internal rules or expectations or barriers to inhibit the flow.
On the other hand, if our capacity to receive is low, we might not be very responsive to being touched in unfamiliar ways. We can get stuck on only responding to the formula we’re accustomed to. Or we might enjoy being touched but then feel the compulsion to reciprocate almost right away. We don’t let much in before we start to give back. It seems like we’re being a responsive and caring partner but what we’re actually doing is shutting ourselves down from being deeply touched.
In both instances, we’re stopping ourselves from receiving the full offering of pleasure being made available to us. This lock on receptivity can be demonstrated via being controlling, demanding or numb to sensation.
And so to tying up.
When someone is restrained, receiving is forced to centre stage. To the degree that someone is closed to receiving, they will feel the crisis of inhibition. As they relax however, into the receiving opportunity, they slowly begin to feel more and more. What was previously cultivated via reaching to touch another begins to emerge from within instead. Awareness is drawn to what can be felt internally rather than what is being touched in another.
To the extent that we’re tuned out to sensations within ourselves, we are driven to make contact with a partner so that we can at least feel them. The less someone is present to themselves, the more strength they will bring to their connections. Desensitization breads heavy-handedness.
I have slept with many a man who brings too much vigour and intensity to the touching and extinguishes the passion in me as a result. Reaching too soon, grasping, clutching and generally holding on too tight will lock down our expansive opportunities. We want breathing space. Too much friction will begin to dull sensation rather than enhance it. Kissing too hard will be stifling rather than arousing. Too many positions can become disruptive rather than stimulating.
Alternatively I have had the experience of men with such refined sensitivity that they could tell how open I was to them by the changes in the texture of my skin. Amazing.
The more we open to experiencing the fullness of subtle sensation, the more we are able to be stimulated by less and less. Then we begin to transition into the realm of energetic connection. This kind of energetic contact is not limited in any way by proximity to your lover. If you’re proficient at allowing this energy to run free in your body then it can be activated with someone across the room, across the country and even across the world. You can stir someone to arousal just by tuning in and thinking of them.
Being restrained can begin to develop this capacity.
After people have been tied up they can be very different to make love to. In that they allow themselves more energetic space to experience things inside, they will equally allow their partner more space as well. As they’ve learned to hold more energy, they’ll have more to share in an exchange. As their capacity to receive has been expanded, they’ll be able to feel more pleasure. The restriction invites expansion.
This game of tying up is such a clever trick to getting more out of life by forcing desire to carve new paths of opportunity. Take something important away and you’re bound to come up with a creative solution.
Play with this in your sex life. It doesn’t have to involve being tied up. Just take something foundational out of your sexual repertoire for a month and you’ll be bound to develop something wonderfully new. Necessity is the mother of invention.
If there’s a favourite position that always gets you off, take it off the menu for the month. If you always need to see what’s going on, wear a blindfold.
And of course you can practice on your own as well. If you always masturbate with your right hand, restrict yourself to your left. If you always masturbate in the morning, ban yourself until after 6pm. If you always use a vibrator, lock it away.
Whatever you choose, stay with it for a whole month. See just how many new pathways can be rewired and claim more ground in your comfort/pleasure zone. Let yourself be surprised.