Where Have All the Wild Things Gone?

21 Jul 2014, Posted by Kate Henderson in Katie's Blog

Wild Things 4I want to be ravished.

I want to feel myself forced into surrender by the surging power of a man overcome with lustful desire. I want to be pressed up hard against the wall, rendered motionless beneath him, his tongue down my throat, pressing the breath out of me. Dominated. At his mercy. No escape.

This is not a rape fantasy. This is me so overwhelming transported into deep surrender by the force of a man that I trust completely. This is reverence. Reverence for a man willing to be fearless in his expression of masculine penetration.

I want to be ravished.

Not ravaged.

I’ve heard people get those words mixed up sometimes. Ravaged means left devastated. Ravished means to be seized and carried away by force, overwhelmed by emotion, enraptured. That’s what I want – all of that. (Well actually ravished can mean raped as well but let’s just settle on there being much more of a richness of positivity in ravishing than there is in war torn ravaging). There’s certainly a lot of power in both but the difference is that there is a fullness of heart in ravishing. That’s what differentiates this picture from a rape fantasy – the fullness of a loving heart. For ravishing to happen a man must embody a healthy measure of niceness with his power. He’ll bring care, connection, trust and openness amidst all the wildness of dominating power. Heart and power. Both are crucial.

I find attractive power and fierceness in a strong and certain voice, in standing firm in the face of opposition, the revealing of a dark fantasy, initiating a charge, the unedited expression of desire, going against the crowd, taking a brazen approach, or in growling and wrestling, for example. It’s a lot about being brave and uninhibited. A willingness to let raw passions flush to the surface without the mind stepping in to assess for appropriateness. It’s risking realness without concern for the response.

Niceness provides the crucial counterbalance which allows the raging power to be received though. To me, niceness is demonstrated when someone keeps their word, they are thoughtful and considerate and free in their affection, they pay attention to what others say and they are generally welcoming. But a man who is nice and proper and caring without being able to cut loose with the fierceness of raw power simply cannot ravish.

Here’s a story of a recent man with niceness all sewn up. He captured me with his determination to spend more time with me. I dismissed him in the first instance because I thought he was too young but there was a deep presence in his hug that really stayed with me so that I conceded to giving him my number on our second meeting. He totally won me over when he called, exactly when he said he would. He spoke clearly and directly about what he liked in me, how he felt in his experience of our last meeting and of wanting to see me again. So solid. I was actually aroused by it. There was nothing sexual in his words but the overwhelming clarity and certainty with which he spoke swept me up completely by surprise. The pure force of a good man expressing himself like that was enough to evoke a sexual response in me. Astounding.  And so, so alluring. When he came to pick me up for dinner I turned our kiss at the door into an invitation into my bedroom instead. The clearly evident goodness in this man had fast tracked his access to my body.

Unfortunately that’s where it all fell apart. He had no ferocity to back it up.


Careful kindness doesn’t cut it in the bedroom without a good dose of grunt. It’s almost essential to pave the way with politeness and care but you’ve got to have a few more cards to play if you’re going to close the deal and be a contender for ravishing.

Wary of this unbalanced niceness now, there are some characteristics in men that I’ve become a bit uneasy with. Like them being particular about cleaning. And owning fine china. And perfect white sheets. They are all lovely things in and of themselves but when those aspects set the primary tone in a man’s environment it doesn’t make me feel like my wild expression is welcome. My badness. My messy, raw, real self.

I really don’t mind having sex during my period for example. There’s something primitive and tribal in it for me with the blood. I think there’s an earthy sexiness about it. But there’s not a whole lot of space for letting go to deeper erotic expression when the man is worried about keeping the towel in the right place to protect his sheets.

In contrast, I had a bit of a thing for a nasty Russian for a while. His balance was tipped much more towards unpredictable and energetic wildness. He was very forward in his expression of hungry lust and passionate force. But that didn’t work either because his niceness was so deeply hidden that I could hardly trust him at all. (And his sheets were filthy). There’s no deep surrender without safety.

The approach to ravishing requires the middle path, incorporating both heart and power. It’s essential to be proficient in both languages. Cultivating real fluency will evoke the invitation to ravish a woman to the depths of her soul and can make gods of men.

Don’t we all long for more excitement and adventure, more passionate exploration? How divine to connect with others from the potent depths of our most authentic (and often secret) selves. A good dose of wild abandon can be a very potent thing. If you know you’re a good person, try letting some of your fierce power out to play and see if it sparks more vibrance and depth in sexual connection.  It may very well transform your whole being.