Full moon fever – lost my shit & lost my job!16 Dec 2016, Posted by Katie's Blog in
As an interim thing here in Byron I’d started doing some erotic massage at someone else’s studio. I hadn’t done it for years but it was the first thing that I dived into when I started into tantra and sacred sexuality. For a while I’d been wanting to return to it as more of a mainstay in my offerings. I love the sensuality of it and it’s a nice way of supporting growth and healing without having to get all intellectual about things.
So anyway, I agreed to work for a woman down here a few days a week. She lined up the bookings.
Mostly it started well and I was really having fun perfecting my signature tantric body slide. (There’s quite an art to being able to stay open to many points of contact with someone’s body all at once!)
But after a while I began to think there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t get properly in flow with embracing all the clients. Now I see that it was because the way I’d been instructed to do it required that I override my instincts. Essentially I was dishonouring myself. I was trying to bend to accommodate others instead of flow what felt relaxed and open and good.
There were quite a few clients who were amazing. We had delicious sessions writhing around with nothing but the coconut oil between us. Their bodies were awake and responsive to their experience which was choreographed by the energy of our connection. I didn’t work to much of a set sequence, I just followed where the flow took us. And it would take us into all sorts of sexy lusciousness. Those sessions left me feeling that beautiful drunken sexual delirium (without having any kind of penetration).
But then there were the other clients who lay stiff and silent and were almost completely unresponsive unless I encouraged them to breathe a bit. They were hard work.
REALLY hard work.
And because they were so desensitised from feeling anything in their own body they would be compelled to grope at mine. That kind of empty touch is never arousing – it makes me freeze a bit.
The room was a lush Arabian nights kind of set up with red fabric on all the walls, diffuse lantern light on the draped ceiling and beautiful big mirrors placed strategically on two sides of the massage table. It was fun to look in the mirrors sometimes, especially when there was a beautiful dance of connection playing out between the client and I. It was lovely to drink in the visuals of the glide and undulations of our flow.
But then there was another kind of visual engagement that really turned me off. That came from the men who were dead in their bodies. They used their eyes in the same groping way they used their hands. If I encouraged them to close their eyes and deepen into the sensation of feeling me caress them they would pretty much shut down. They were hardwired in needing to get an eye full of pussy in order to get much of a turn on at all. Classic symptom of porn addiction. Visual overdose with tactile sensation starvation. That visual switch can’t be flicked off in an instant. It takes a sensation starved body some time to soften and wake up enough for energy to flow in a consistent way that gathers it’s own momentum.
I started to feel like a prostitute having to sell myself to get them off.
When I’d worked for myself I’d only invite specific clients to have the opportunity for erotic sessions. They had to have established a healthy relationship with their own bodies first. I helped them to feel alive in their own sexual arousal rather than cling to others in search of it. I tapped them into the richness of their masculine power so that they could fire a woman right up just by breathing deeply. They came to understand that the voice is a powerful vehicle for escalating pleasure – both theirs and their partners. When all of this was alive and well in them they were an absolute dream to massage.
I love those sessions where I can really let go of being the coach and just fall into being seduced.
So anyway, it’s not surprising at all that one afternoon on a full moon this deep misalignment between my nature and the way I was working caught up with me in a rush.
Oh gosh the relief in walking away!
I’m so delighted to return to working exclusively for myself and being able to take the time to support men step by step through the necessary stages to be able to open themselves to much deeper erotic work. It’s much more satisfying for me and them.
Since then I’ve also become much more passionate about supporting men to experience full body orgasms to bring incredible lasting pleasure without even needing to ejaculate. That’s a whole new kind of magic!