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There are some mixed messages out there about how men should approach women.

In the last week, American pick up artist Julien Blanc has been banned from presenting his series of seminars at the Como Hotel in Melbourne and the Mecure Hotel in Brisbane. He received widespread criticism for the methods he promoted to pick up women and after almost 35,000 signed an online petition he was forced to leave Australia when his visa was cancelled. One of his more controversial tactics is called the “choke opener,” which involves approaching a woman by grabbing her around the neck. On his Twitter account he posted photos of himself grabbing women with the hashtag #ChokingGirlsAroundtheWorld.

It is disturbing that this aggressive pick up ‘artistry’ can attract such interest from men willing to pay for the information. But why do men seek it out? Obviously there’s a craving for female connection. But is there also a longing in men to be given permission to reclaim the wildness of masculine assertiveness and to feel empowered to make strong moves?

I’m going to take a controversial line here and say that the truth is, sometimes as women we do want to be grabbed by the throat in a sexual exchange. At times we yearn to surrender to the passionate domination of a powerful man. Now a lot of women might be aghast to hear me in support of a man’s hand at our throats, but when it’s with a man who has earned our love and devotion it can capture a whole different flavour. But a lot of men these days have become subdued by civilised life and lost touch with their wildness and are afraid of making a bold and passionate approach. There is confusion about when to be polite and when to be powerful.

These crucial elements of love and devotion were undeniably missing in Blanc’s approach. The foundation of trust must be rock solid between two people before launching into any kind of domination play. Where to start?

The foundations of trust are built firstly within ourselves. This is done when grow confident to trust in taking action on our instincts, when we speak our mind, share our true feelings and be honest about desires. Essentially, come to know and trust yourself by being as real and true to your authentic self as you can be. And then bring that to the people around you.

So Blanc is well justified in teaching men to be confident and direct with women. There’s a desperate need for it. Abusive, demeaning and arrogant tactics are appalling but encouragement of an empowered approach is overdue and will likely continue to attract men until there is a reclaiming of masculine power in positive ways.

Campaigners against Blanc have suggested that his methods promote a culture of rape. Feminine activist Susan Brownmiller, who wrote Against Our Will, says about rape, “It is a crime not of lust but of violence and power.

Men who feel disempowered (and unable to act on their true feelings) are more likely to be taken in by opinions like Blanc’s proposing these aggressive tactics. To protect against the unhealthy power plays that ‘Player’ coaching leans on we must open men to acknowledging and developing their expression in healthy ways. This means inviting them to be real and authentic rather than complying with unreasonably sanitised expectations.

In my work as a love and relationship coach I certainly find that there is so much relief in men when I give them permission to act on what they truly feel without having to edit their behaviour according to what’s deemed ‘appropriate’.

So what does authentic masculine power look like?

 

• It means having permission to look admiringly at women for starters.

When a female friend of mine moved from her home in Italy to Australia she experienced a kind of depression at the lack of recognition she received walking the streets here. It took her quite a few months to get used to Australian men largely ignoring her. She felt like there was suddenly something wrong with her. I know how she feels. When I’m feeling great and I’m out and about I want to be noticed. I want men to dare to catch my eye and give me a smile. It feels wonderful. And it’s honest – we’re acknowledging that there’s attraction in the air sometimes and our desires have permission to be alive in us. Giving or receiving a wink and a smile doesn’t mean that sex is on the cards, it’s just a way or saying, isn’t this fun being men and women together.

It might be via a cheeky wink, through holding eye contact as you pass on the street or by approaching to tell us we look great. It’s easiest to take in when there’s no feeling of expectation that comes with it. Trust that a woman can usually tell if your heart is in the right place and risk letting your appreciation for us show in lovely ways. Let’s play a game with no agenda other than making each other feel good in the giving and receiving. Practice flirting just for the fun of it. Even with the grandmas!

 

Further to that, authentic masculinity can be demonstrated in the following ways:

• Acknowledge your anger when you get upset.

You should have as much freedom to let your anger be known as you do to convey your attraction. You don’t have to yell or hit things but never hold back from telling someone that they’ve really pissed you off if that’s the case. Anger arises in situations where change in necessary. It’s a prompt to force us to address something differently. Hiding it to be nice or seem mature rarely serves anyone and it’s only going to build into a smouldering rage if it’s repeatedly downplayed. Let anger be your ally to motivate change where it’s necessary.

 

• Take time out with the boys.

Whether it be a regular night playing poker, a weekend away camping or just having a few beers at the footy, you’ve got to be able to let your hair down without the women around on occasion. In tantric teachings there’s a lot of importance placed on the strength of polarity between the masculine and the feminine to create passionate connection. Too much time spent with the opposite polarity can have a diluting effect. Time away from women will bring you back to them recharged.

 

• Be brave about revealing your desires in the bedroom.

So many men end up cheating on their partners (or thinking a lot about it) because they’re afraid to disclose what really turns them on with the one they love. It can be scary to be vulnerable and expose sexual secrets but that’s exactly where the juice is. So long as you’re harbouring unexpressed fantasies you’re driving your sex life with the brakes on. Vulnerability is a funny thing – these things that we hide out of fear of rejection are often the things that get us the most love when we dare to reveal them. Risk letting the rawness of your real sexual desires be known to those closest to you.

 

• Don’t be swayed from doing what you want to do.

The energetic directive of the masculine is to have a mission and stay focussed on it until reaching that goal. Bring power to that determination with confidence and you’ll impress men and women alike. So if you’re trying to get something done don’t put up with interruptions or distractions. Give yourself permission to say no to those things that people might want you to do but that get in the way of you following your passionate mission. You’re the boss of your world – saying yes to yourself often necessitates saying no to others. Shrug off being Mr Nice guy so often and you’ll cultivate a different kind of respect when you’re seen honouring yourself. So don’t let yourself get roped into things like going shopping with your girlfriend (unless you love it) or giving up jamming with the band because you let work encroach when it shouldn’t or watching the TV program your housemate likes instead of going for your run. Relationships/friendships shouldn’t mean compromising nearly as much of ourselves as we often do. Be unapologetic in your devotion to the things you love because that’s exactly what empowers you and ultimately makes you attractive.

 

All of these actions support men to develop a solid sense power via honest self expression. That builds confidence and self love. When you really like yourself that makes a world of difference. Approaching women from that place of strength and loving fullness is always going to get a better result.  As women, we want to feel your strength but to really let it in we must also feel a genuine openness in your heart. It’s a very precious thing for women to be able to yield and be taken by a man who knows himself and wields his power with loving confidence. In fact we long for it! It brings out our softness and tenderness. It helps us let go when you’re solid in knowing your strength. A man who is connected to his heart and claims his power in healthy ways will naturally become more appealing to women who feel safe to surrender into an honest game of attraction.

Here’s to a healthy balance of heart and power. For men and women.

 

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“Soldiers, all men in fact, are natural hero worshipers. Officers with a flare for command realize this and emphasize in their conduct, dress and deportment the qualities they seek to produce in their men.

― Robert Moore,  King, Warrior, Magician, Lover

 

“Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from fear of punishment.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

 

“Truly powerful people have great humility. They do not try to impress, they do not try to be influential. They simply are. People are magnetically drawn to them. They are most often very silent and focused, aware of their core selves. … They never persuade, nor do they use manipulation or aggressiveness to get their way. They listen. If there is anything they can offer to assist you, they offer it; if not, they are silent.”

― Sanaya Roman, Living with Joy: Keys to Personal Power and Spiritual Transformation