Remembering Who I Am22 Mar 2017, Posted by Katie's Blog in
Okay so it happened again.
Since making the move to Byron last year I’ve felt compelled to change it for the second time.
I keep shedding more layers that allow the deeper truth of my soul to find expression.
It was unexpected and it’s strange and exciting.
And also I fear being seen as a Byron hippy cliché.
I feel the need to justify and explain that this wasn’t something decided at a mental level. It’s something that’s surfaced from the inside out – or perhaps from the top down. Certainly directed from a part of me that lies beyond my mind.
Essentially my old name now feels misaligned with who I am and who I am becoming.
Now I am Aria.
In August 2015 I did a course that helped rattle my foundations and liberate more of my true essence. It brought about my first name change from Kate Henderson to Katie Austin and had me leave Brisbane for Byron (with the feeling of having come home).
A month after arriving here I stepped into the potent transformational cauldron of another course. Week after week as I sat in circle with the other women I felt more and more incongruence with calling myself Katie. Through the journey of evocative rituals my mind was bypassed and core aspects of my soul were channelling into my body. I reached into the depths of my being and it felt like my unconscious was assisted in leaving no stone unturned in support of the waking up and remembering of who I really am. It was as if there was a washing machine agitating inside me for the duration of the course. I felt myself being dredged of anything that keeps my soul from taking up full residence in my body.
Before I arrived in Byron last year it became clear to me that I had to make changes in preparation. I had to turn my back on most of what I’d learned and heavily invested in in the year long business course for disruptive entrepreneurs. And although it seemed completely illogical, I also knew I had to give up my business coach. As amazing as he was, as incredibly lucky as I was to have access to him, and as much as my career still has so far to go, I knew I had to step away. I had to relinquish any kind of masculine, structured, goal oriented approach in order to nurture the deepest unfolding of my true self. That was hard. I wasn’t quite sure that he understood. In rejecting the traditional method of developing a successful career I looked irrational and like I was giving up. I looked like a failure. Still, I knew it was my only brave choice.
Since then I’ve been learning to cultivate a place of emptiness. I’ve been challenged to set aside all notions of planning, goals and security. Instead I’ve felt the insistence to practice trust, surrender and not knowing.
Complete obedience to feminine flow.
I’ve heard that traditionally Aboriginals didn’t live permanently in this area around Byron, that they only came here periodically for healing. I’m not sure if that’s true but it makes sense to me. The force of nature runs strong in the earth here. It’s demanding. Yielding to the feminine feels compulsory – allowing feelings, rest, support and generally surrendering to the flow of each moment.
I’m getting better at trusting implicitly in the endless love and wisdom of the God force that moves through everything always. I’m thinking less and being guided more.
I’ve often felt that synchronicity has more scope to make itself felt when I’m travelling. It feels like life here is guided by energy more concentrated with that synchronistic juice. Or maybe it’s just being open that allows it more freedom to work it’s magic. Swimming in the ocean early in the day certainly feels like it helps me to catch that slip stream. If I don’t swim until later, or if I miss a day, I feel a little staleness creep in. Realisations don’t come quite as fast, opportunities mightn’t present as readily, unwanted emotions might linger longer.
The place I’ve been pressed into is to give up any notion of leading. My path of power right now seems exclusively to surrender and trust in the enormity of support that is ever present if I don’t get in the way and have ideas about what should be.
I really didn’t work much at all last year. I had very little money coming in. My housing situation was for a long time uncertain and in flux. The absence of these key foundational aspects (work, money, home) helped to destabilise me further to really test my capacity to trust in relinquishing control.
At those times when I had no idea where I’d stay the next night or how I’d pay the next bill it was really testing. Particularly so when there were other people looking on who I suspect were thinking that I should be dealing with the situation very differently (ie problem solving, taking a lot of action). But inevitably the solution always appeared.
Often times it has pushed me to the limit and only been revealed at the eleventh hour, but it always emerges. I’ve gotten much better at riding these waves of uncertainty. At the real crisis points there were equal amounts of trust and deep discomfort. But more and more the trust is predominating. I like to think that as I gain true mastery with unwavering trust that there will be more graciousness around the timing of things lining up. But perhaps that won’t be the case. Perhaps I will just acclimatise to the constancy of change and allow it to move me at a swifter pace.
I feel I’m learning what it is to have blind faith.
I see how becoming Aria supports this process.
As Kate Henderson I learned to be very grounded and embodied. It was always much easier for me to connect with the earth than the heavens. I was centred, calm, reliable, stubborn, stable and very connected to my body. It was harder for me to meditate, dream, be affected by mind altering substances and get into ecstatic states.
As the embodiment of Aria it feels like I’m remembering who I really am and helping my soul to take up residence more firmly and unshakably in my body. I sense I will find it much easier to know the world of spirit, to communicate with God, to tap into orgasmic bliss, be free of the limitations of my mind and to radiate love. I feel my life will be balanced equally above and below – bringing much more heavenly existence to earth.
I also sense there might be a second aspect of this name that is still to emerge. For now I’m acclimatising to what’s been revealed so far. It’s confronting to change my identity in such a significant, external way like this. But it feels like a really important way to take ownership of my transformation.